Over the past few years I've developed this irrational fear of being in a traffic jam on a bridge and the bridge collapses under the weight of all the cars.
I'm sure there's some ridiculous phobia name for it. I just don't care enough to do the research.
I mention this because it's my current situation.
Eight minutes and no sign of moving.
It's just me. And these other people. In our incredibly heavy cars. On wet pavement that's probably eroding an accelerated rate due to cutbacks at the cement company. In Michigan where the potholes spend most of their days belittling the Grand Canyon.
I think part of it is that there's no real survival plan in this scenario. I don't know if I should attempt to leap from my car. Do I lean forward? Quickly lower the back of my seat so I'm lying down with my back straight? Windows- lowered or raised? Both hands on the wheel? Both hands on my head? Will it help if I shit myself and create a cushion? I only ask because that's probably going to happen anyway so I'd like to think that when the firefighters pull my mangled corpse from the wreck they'll view it as an indicator that I did everything I could to survive.
"Man. The windows are down. Seat all the way back. He shat himself raw and somehow he still didn't make it. I mean, have you ever seen so much shit in one man's pants? He must've had Chinese food wrapped in Taco Bell for lunch. What a fighter. It's a shame that even he was no match for these tons upon tons of poorly constructed and/or maintained concrete."
And as long as traffic still isn't moving, why not get into the news report.
"Mild tragedy struck today when indy author Keith Blenman died shitting himself senseless in his car while defending himself against a collapsing bridge. Media savvy witnesses likened the scene to tubgirl goatsie-ing and erupting Pompeii all over the place. Unfortunately the bridge collapsing was just far too epic. Keith's car flipped over and then was crushed by like a billion slabs of concrete and bunches of other cars too. Lackadaisical construction workers are to receive medals for not adequately reinforcing the bridge and thus preventing Keith from finishing his fictional monster story series, Roadside Attraction. Oh and some other people died too."
Anyway, there's no real strategy to surviving a bridge crumbling beneath you. Hang on. Or don't. It doesn't matter. Just feel the world collapse beneath you and, "good luck fucker!"
That said, traffic's moving...