Friday, May 9, 2014

A list of things I'm bad at. (Part 1)

1. Lassoing

2. Standing up for myself

3. Handstands

4. Taking it.

5. Dishing it out.

6. Football (both American and International forms)

7. Raising a barn

8. Making sense

9. Comprehending life

10. Trusting tap water

11. Cooking

12. Baking

13. Warming up to new people

14. Anarchy

15. Selling books

16. Diving

17. Wine tasting

18. Being punctual

19. Fashion

20. Being a man

21. Being an adult

22. Being an aardvark and most other animals as well.

23. Lighting a set

24. Keeping up with the show 24.

25. Arguing

26. Persuading others

27. Bringing joy to the world

28. Singing

29. Writing longhand

30. Chewing (I have a horrible reflux and vomit at least three times a week)

31. Organization

32. Politics

33. Erecting sculptures

34. Fixing machinery

35. Fixing people

36. Fixing a bet

37. Magic tricks (except the one)

38. Peeling oranges

39. Predicting the weather

40. Driving

41. Making my bed

42. Painting

43. Remembering most things I've been taught in school.

44. Justifying my actions

45. Saving money

46. Rolling with punches

47. Taking criticism

48. Hatred

49. Whistling

50. Giving a fuck.

51. Not giving a fuck.

52. Quoting things that aren't movies or TV shows.

53. Staying consistent with punctuation when forming a list

54. Golf!

55. Spelling (the proper word for nunchucks in particular)

56. Grammar

57. Wounds of other people: healing and/or pouring salt on them.

58. Dancing

59. Giving speeches

60. Feeling comfortable around others

61. Treating depression

62. Chemistry

63. Saving the last slice

64. Sharing

65. Following through

66. Separating my distaste for Shia Labouff as an actor from my views of him as a person

67. Keeping my elbows off the table

68. Being a leader or role model

69. Being placed in positions where I could be thought of as a leader or role model.

70. Leaving doors unlocked

71. Counting to one million and probably all numbers above, as well as a majority of the numbers below

72. Math, beyond algebra

73. Being a woman

74. Keeping my shoes from untying themselves. They're out of control.

75. Time management

76. Following doctors orders

77. Keeping up with current events

78. Saving the world

79. Saving even small fractions of the world such as communities or habitats

80. Flirting

81. Practicing bushido

82. Having faith in my fellow man

83. Having faith in spiritual deities above my fellow man

84. Trolling (both meanings)

85. Assembling things more complicating than LEGO

86. Archery

87. Keeping secrets

88. Grooming pets

89. Horticulture

90. Folding laundry properly

91. Saying good-byes

92. Giving direct answers

93. Being decisive

94. Selecting the freshest fruits and vegetables

95. Twerking

96. Dieting

97. Eating gluten free

98. Being taken seriously

99. Reading, watching, and listening to all the things people recommend to me.

100. Reading, watching, and listening to all the things I'm interested in.

101. Getting others to read, watch, and listen to all the things I'm interested in.

102. Separating my distaste of Kanye West as a person enough to respect him as a musician.

103. Letting younger generations enjoy their shallow, egocentric idols without complaint. Even though the shallow, egocentric idols of my youth did it better.

104. Developing characters

105. Establishing settings

106. Most swimming styles (I dog paddle okay enough. But not great.)

107. Traveling, seeing the world (which I should do if I plan on saving it)

108. Piracy

109. Knitting

110. Growing a beard

111. Of the instruments I've attempted to learn: playing the harmonica, guitar, bass, violin, French horn, recorder, bongos, and ukulele (these are all the instruments I've attempted to learn)

112. Snowboarding

113. Surfing

114. Water skiing

115. Taking jumps on snow skis

116. Punching

117. Throwing shurikens

118. Chess

119. Hunting

120. Stepping on bugs that aren't centipedes

121. Getting the right amount of sleep.

122. Exercising and/or working out.

123. Knowing enough about physical fitness or grammar to know whether or not there's a difference between exercising and working out.

124. Bocce

125. Remembering names.

126. Smuggling

127. Getting away with murder (I assume)

128. Donkey punching

129. Feeling good about my birthday and growing older in general

130. Interrogating

131. Aiming firearms

132. Aiming rubber bands

133. Climbing (with the exception of ladders)

134. Revenge

135. Using Photoshop

136. Going on rampages

137. Moshing

138. Wearing purple

139. Mental math

140. Programming

141. Hacking

142. Saying, "No."

143. Keeping an open mind

144. Tennis

145. First person shooters

146. Judging others

147. Piloting (planes, helicopters, and ships)

148. Using a stick shift

149. Knowing which outfit looks better

150. Making things look easy

151. Finding the best deals

152. Being stubborn

153. Knowing when I have a good thing going.

154. Knowing when to leave a bad situation.

155. Tuning

156. Keeping a steady beat

157. Regularly checking the mail

158. Flossing (so the dentist tells me)

159. Shuffleboard

160. Dissections

161. Botany

162. Getting things off the top shelf

163. Running

164. Using fireworks safely

165. Shuffling cards

166. Calling people out on their shit

167. Getting wasted

168. Making snowmen

169. Prophesying

170. Changing the air filter in my car

171. Washing my hands before meals

172. Keeping in touch with distant friends/relatives

173. Accepting the Star Wars Prequel trilogy as canonical to the Star Wars universe.

174. Rapping

175. Wrapping

176. Rhyming

177. Saying what's on my mind.

178. Cartwheels

179. Prayer

180. Naming boats/ships/other aquatic vessels

181. Dropping a beat

182. Remembering birthdays (Thanks, Facebook)

183. Taking my vitamins

184. Getting stains out of carpet/clothing

185. Quitting while I'm ahead

186. Playing along with Jeopardy

187. New York Times crossword puzzles (beyond the Monday puzzle and it's just not worth subscribing to the app for that. Why can't you make Mondays free? Come on, guys.)

188. Telling that Aristocrats joke.

189. Euchre

190. Immediately changing light bulbs as needed

191. Protesting

192. Reading the fine print

193. Reading entire user agreements (Anything beyond the words "I agree" proves as too much)

194. Making clever picket signs

195. Remembering any of the three foreign languages I studied in school (French, Spanish, and Japanese)

196. Waiting for my computer to finish loading before clicking again.

197. Hocking loogies

198. Reading maps

199. Asking for help

200. Playing rough

201. Calibrating lab equipment

202. Making eye contact

203. Writing a concise list of things I'm bad at, evidently

204. Remembering that I do indeed have plenty of food at home

205. Refraining from using shock value as a gimmick in my fiction

206. Packing luggage efficiently

207. Understanding why I'm so insistent on having straws in restaurants when I never think to use them at home.

208. Slam dunks

209. Raising the roof

210. Doing impressions

211. Fighting games

212. Sponsoring a child for pennies a day, or other currency values at alternative time intervals.

213. Bringing it.

214. Keeping honey from dripping down the sides of the bottle

215. Knowing how long to hold my hands under an air dryer

216. Role play (this can include job training, D&D, and probably bedroom type stuff. I always giggle)

217. Going a day without low brow humor

218. Putting in contact lenses

219. Not worrying

220. Taking angry/genuinely hopeful Detroit Lions fans seriously.

221. Winning the lottery

222. Waking up without having to hit snooze five times

223. Knowing whether or not the ullage is high

224. Putting the clip on a chip bag instead of just rolling it

225. Parkour

226. Spreading some butters (although I sometimes blame the consistency of the butters themselves)

227. Making a fully informed vote

228. Taking notes

229. Turning down a tip

230. Giving a cold shoulder

231. Tolerating a cold shower

232. Skateboarding

233. Cosplay

234. Emptying the dishwasher

235. Making floral arrangements

236. Catching sucker fish without their fins getting caught in the net

237. Babysitting

238. Reading classic literature

239. Writing eventual classic literature (unless the people of the future really, really enjoy dick and fart humor)

240. Getting myself to donate blood ("Look. I hate needles, man. Can't you just punch my nose and plug my nostril with the tube?")

241. Finishing my proposal to Detroit that turns abandoned areas of the city into paintball arenas that also sell novelty t-shirts that say, "I got shot in Detroit!"

242. Staying classy

243. Slicing bread (I crush it)

244. Keeping my desk clean.

245. Summoning forth any supernatural forces

246. Knowing if I'm saying "ouija" properly.

247. Washing my car

248. Stopping myself from reading Orson Scott Card despite my distaste of him as a person.

249. Giving up hope on the production to a sequel for Advent Rising.

250. Using slang

251. Using toaster ovens

252. Teaching ICP how magnets/ignorance works

253. Keeping up with Stuff You Should Know podcasts

254. Knowing why bird is the word

255. Keeping that bird bird bird. Bird is the word song out of your head

256. Keeping promises to my five year old self. Promises such as, "I will be Robocop, Batman, or a god damn Ninja Turtle when I grow up. So help me."

257. Touching my nose with my tongue

258. Regarding Che Guevara for his work as a revolutionary and a role model whenever I see his face on mass produced t-shirts.

259. Transporting large televisions

260. Maintaining an aquarium

261. Refraining from snoring

262. Walking (I tend to trip over curbs, sticks, my own feet. Particularly when given sultry looks.)

263. Being intimidating

264. Cutting hair

265. Shaving my neck

266. Public displays of affection

267. Deciding whether or not I enjoy AC/DC (the band, not the energy current)

268. Probably my taxes

269. Making my ball curve when bowling

270. Writing short hand

271. Giving skerfers

272. Manscaping (although, are you truly a man if the things you do don't cause a little bleeding?)

273. Writing scholarship letters

274. Plate spinning

275. Socializing

276. Disc golf

277. Hearing

278. Keeping my glasses clean

279. Washing my car regularly or at all.

280. Knowing whether or not I can pet an animal or if it's dangerous. Eg: bobcats.

281. Knowing whether to use ie, eg, or ex.

282. Accepting any sort of mild cold, flu, ache, or cough as, "Not cancer."

283. Deciding on what pizza to order with new people (Is that just me? Does everybody go through the "I'm fine with just pepperoni" dance?)

284. Understanding why people revere Doctor Who. Are they watching the same show? Like, seriously, where's this awesome version you're all hiding from me?

285. Accepting that not all the movies today require a post-credit scene. Even though I did just sit through ten minutes of credits.

286. Showing restraint when it comes to ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, pizza, doughnut holes, ect.

287. Selling Domino's execs on pretzel crusted pizza. Seriously, not even a reply...

288. Using sex appeal to get the things I want. "You say the blu-ray is $17.99. But what if I undo a button? Hey- Stop calling your manager over! Unless it's for a price change override in which case I'll undo another button."

289. Refraining from giggling when hearing words such as hard, fist, erect, poop, ect.

290. Minecraft

291. Understanding why I have fond memories of Crystal Clear Pepsi when I don't even enjoy regular Pepsi.

292. Living in the now

293. Saving my virginity long enough to be sold on eBay (about eighteen years late there).

294. Packing a parachute

295. Using credit cards responsibly, although I feel the credit card company greatly appreciates this from me

296. Roller skating

297. Reacting appropriately to getting fired. "Oh, thank god. I was going to quit after the holidays anyway."

298. Quitting my job at GameStop. I haven't showed up for nearly a decade, but I was never fired, quit, or had an exit interview. For all I know they're still scheduling me and/or holding my last paycheck.

299. Graduating college in a timely fashion

300. Feeling inspired enough to follow through with sit ups after watching the movie 300. I can't see the flick without thinking I should work out and/or exercise more. But that's as far as a goes. Thinking about it.

301. Knowing which plants I can eat and which are poison

302. Fighting for my right to party. Seeing why others would do the same. "You can have a party. Just have one. You're rock stars. It's kind of expected. No battle necessary."

303. Untangling Christmas lights.

304. Transplants (plants in new containers. Fish in new tanks. Also, probably live organs)

305. Accepting when a pen is out of ink without trying to use it for another minute

306. Bisexuality (I wouldn't say bi-curious as much as bi-out-of-practice)

307. Finding shoes in my size

308. Bowing with appropriate depth (I either give a shit bow or overshoot it)

309. Trusting grammar check

310. Trust falls

311. Trusting other people

312. Taking in cans and bottles before I have a massive excess to get rid of

313. Accepting that other people's area/zip codes aren't strange or unusual

314. Not wanting to smack people who use the non-word friendzone. "It's a stupid word and you're a pussy, whining essentially around the issue that you're a pussy. Just ask her out, get rejected, and go cut down a fucking tree to restore both shreds of your manhood. Losing something you never had and moving on is a fuck of a lot healthier than pining over something you'll never get while ignoring the millions of other opportunities out there. Believe me. I'm a fucking neurotic pussy and understands your plight, but even I want to backhand you and your stupid Facebook status. It's for your own whiny good."

315. Studying math. Specifically the practice problems. I learn better with flashcards, which is a horrible way to learn math.

316. Understanding why John 3:16 is so popular at sporting events or other things that aren't church services. Also why nobody at church ever holds up a sign that says Josh 3:16 or their other favorites. I'm sure the priest will take requests if you try...

317. Accepting that using this many surge protectors and power strips on one outlet is unsafe.

318. Immortality (I assume. At least, not aging hasn't been working out.)

319. Not aging

320. Enjoying the later seasons of Dexter while knowing what the ending is and that it's stupid

321. Jamming

322. Fully appreciating the difference between jelly and preserves

323. Finishing an entire loaf of bread before it goes bad

324. Dribbling, shooting

325. Telling the whole truth when I know it'll hurt somebody (I still do. I just suck at it)

326. Treason

337. Accepting eels as natural creatures, not born of concentrated evil and then rolled out like noodles

338. Convincing friends that some of Jimmy Buffett's music isn't half bad. (Ex: Tin Cup Chalice)

339. Enjoying a lot of Tool's music despite their exemplary talent

340. Convincing critics of the world that Citizen Kane, while deserving of many accolades, is no Blade Runner or The Hudsucker Proxy. "If your friends wrote a favorable review of jumping off a bridge, would you do it to?"

341. Knowing when jazz is smooth or just being itself.

342. Making contact with alien species (Several times I looked up in the sky and waved, but to my knowledge received no response)

343. Speed reading

344. Vacuuming corners

345. Sales

346. Denying myself thin mint girl scout cookies

347. Blowing glass

348. Reading minds

349. Reading lips

350. Interpreting body language

351. Folding, rolling, or doing whatever it is I'm supposed to to get an inflatable bed back into its carrying case.

352. Looking cool

353. Changing a tire (probably sets of tires as well)

354. Explaining anything related to astronomy beyond the loose generalities exhibited on episodes of The Universe and Nova

355. Calling at a good time

356. Applying make-up

357. Applying for jobs

358. Flight (with or without a vehicle)

359. Leaving succinct voicemails that don't endlessly blather on

360. Drawing perfect circles

361. Meditating

362. Preventing Balrogs from passing

363. Accepting that Firefly just isn't coming back. (Browncoats unite!)

364. Convincing everybody to watch Almost Human so it will definitely come back seas- oh, it's cancelled.

365. Grave robbing

366. Filling out customer surveys when I've had an acceptable experience that was neither great nor terrible.

367. Matching my socks

368. Reading aloud

369. Concluding on whether or not my junk is getting smaller or that it only looks smaller because I'm gaining weight.

370. Pearl diving

371. Willingly making physical contact with bugs and/or snakes

372. Using mala beads for more than adornments

373. Making a point to skinny dip more often (although I don't really have anywhere to go that I could. I suppose I could just take more baths instead of showers but it's just not the same.)

374. Understanding emotes more complicated than this: :)

375. Knowing the Dewey-decimal system except that 500s are science

376. Taking charge

377. Digesting milk

378. Lying

379. Whittling

380. Remembering whether or not I previously included whittling on this list.

381. Designating other people as driver

383. Keeping everything in order.

382. Wearing belt buckles

384. Using a water pick

385. graffiti/tagging

386. Eating the worm

387. Also, probably blowjobs

388. Convincing my cats that running through the tunnel toy it got them is highly entertaining and worth their time.

389. Expressing my feelings

390. Discussing the important things that are bothering me.

391. Not discussing the stupid things that are bothering me. (Seriously, Michael Bay. We all love William Fitchner but Shredder? And the turtles redesign is a cross between Gears of War and complete bullshit.)

392. Enjoying any James Bond movie prior to Daniel Craig.

393. Keeping window blinds in working order, evidently. I still can't figure out how they ever break in the first place. Something cat related, I'm sure

394. Finding people to play board games with, and consequently, buying board games despite how fun they look.

395. Finding the fish in that Monty Python movie.

396. Rappelling

397. Stunts

398. Measuring prior to cutting

399. Growing back hair (Thank god!)

400. Knowing where to eat

401. Convincing my employer to let me come and go as I please and not by a schedule. (I have bills. The job will get done. Do you think it'll get less done if I show up and leave at differing times of the day?)

402. Scouting ahead

403. Belly flops

404. growling

405. Sowing

406. Starting fires by rubbing sticks together

407. Convincing my cats that they enjoy being held

408. Convincing my dog that he's too large for my lap

409. Sinking battleships (in board games or otherwise)

410. Loitering

411. Gossiping

412. Only buying healthy foods at the grocery store

413. Remembering important historical dates, names, events. Pretty much anything history related.

414. Evasive maneuvers

415. Hanging multiple pieces of framed art level to each other

416. Staying within the lines (both coloring and driving)

417. Reading facial expressions

418. Defining, quantifying love

419. Knowing if disco died because people grew tired of the music or because "Disco's dead" is a catchy thing to say.

420. Caring whether or not marijuana gets legalized

421. Resting on the seventh day of the week.

422. Giving up things for lent

423. Getting to the last level in Super Mario Bros without the aid of warp pipes.

424. Shaving with a straight razor

425. Chivalry

426. Being a mentor

427. Being a waiter

428. Walking in heels

429. Roughnecking

430. Chopping vegetables

431. Riding in a cab without assuming I'm about to be kidnapped

432. Swallowing large pills without choking/puking

433. Being in orgies

434. Quickly convincing the cat to stop hacking on the carpet whenever she starts hacking on the carpet

435. Knowing the difference between sneakers and running shoes

436. Running a successful publishing company

437. Ironing

438. Pretty much anything that would include the word clandestine.

439. Being water (only 60% of the way there. Sorry, Bruce Lee)

440. Growing facial hair

441. Flopping around like a fish

442. Being sneaky

443. Folding a sheet of paper more than eight times.

444. Making deus ex machinas appear natural in a narrative

445. Setting up Rube Goldberg devices

446. Keeping my desk clutter free

447. Using ottomans for only their intended purpose

448. Convincing myself that my red converse do not in fact look awesome with my black suit.

449. Begging

450. Using the force (I certainly tried throughout my childhood and briefly in my early twenties)

451. Scheduling book signings. (To be fair, most of my fiction is only on the Kindle)

452. Looking good in a scarf

453. Enunciating clearly enough for Siri to understand

454. Accepting Siri's limits

455. Giving voice commands to my phone without addressing Siri as though it's some actual entity.

456. Skitching

457. Exhibitionism

458. Upholstering

459. Reupholstering

460. Moonwalking

461. Identifying new species (and most old ones)

462. Crying on command

463. Tracking prey

464. Aiming a Frisbee

465. Knowing the names of various gun stances

466. Calling the shots

467. Making ice sculptures

468. Feeling confident in a kilt (or at all)

469. Dying my hair

470. Carving elaborate designs in pumpkins

471. Not laughing at the horrible writing on CSI and most other cop dramas

472. Packing cigarettes

473. Rolling a cigarette

474. Dog sitting

475. Putting the right amount of air in tires

476. Writing smut

477. Using chainsaws for appropriate purposes (not the best way to slice bread and/or spread butter)

478. Forgeries

479. Multitasking

480. Climbing trees

481. Getting game consoles to work by blowing at them (Although I do appreciate that the Vita has a cartridge slot instead of a disc drive so when it starts to break down, I can start attempting that again)

482. Distinguishing between tonfas and nightsticks

483. Continuing to keep on rocking in the free world.

484. Tweeting regularly

485. Coming up with six word stories that are actually stories and not just an event or random sentence.

486. Reaping

487. Coming up with good costumes for Halloween/Cosplay

488. Deciding whether people are debunking Joseph Atwill's Caesar's Messiah because it's a weak argument or because they're expressing extreme bias.

489. Getting a high score in skee ball

490. Online dating (Never, ever, ever again since that fateful summer of 2005)

491. Gauging just how dumb I am in comparison to everybody else.

492. Using fireworks safely (So I guess... about that dumb. That I would do that)

493. Asking questions even though I'm engaged in what people are saying

494. Not talking about myself (which is weird because I hate myself)

495. Taking one for the team

496. Being asked to be a part of a team

497. Reading Tender Buttons

498. Not locking up whenever I'm around a group of people

499. Walking in front (I don't know why. It just makes me uncomfortable and anxious)

500. Leaping across rooftops

501. Darts (both throwing and understanding the rules)

502. Pool

503. Operating GC/MS or other sophisticated laboratory equipment

504. Being presidential

505. Convincing other people to compromise

506. Convincing people that Roadside Attraction, Book 1: Siren Night is the next great American novel

507. Performing tricks on a wakeboard

508. Deciding where to go/what to eat

509. Laser tag

510. Finding a cure/effective treatment for chronic non-bacterial prostatitis

511. Not judging books by their covers (which is funny because the covers on my books are pretty much all awful)

512. Picketing ("I'd love to go but seriously, 7 AM? On my day off? Forget it man. We lost.")

513. Pretty much anything an Olympian can do that I've forgotten to include on this list

514. Remembering all the things I'm bad at.

515. Trimming hedges

516. Converting from the metric system. Probably also to but the need has never come up.

517. Calculating to Kelvin from Fahrenheit

518. Erasing without leaving marks

519. Using a dry erase board without double and triple checking that the marker I'm using isn't permanent ink.

520. Knowing if anything about my life qualifies as livin la vida loca, whether or not that's a good thing, and where I would go to get tested for it.

521. Driving cattle

522. Riding a horse without being bit (Of the one time I rode a horse, this happened 100% of the time)

523. Deciding how I feel about snakes. They're not ALL bad... but just what's their game?

524. Winning at Cards Against Humanity

525. Understanding why people purchase magazines when we have the Internet. Books I get. Monthly or weekly publications when all the information is online already, I don't.

526. Not feeling a tiny, tiny bit bummed out when UPS or FedEx parks near my house but doesn't have anything for me.

527. Thwarting museum security

528. Blending in

529. Standing out

530. Shaking hands, particularly when the other person decides on a fist bump or some other special shake that I've never heard of.

531. Lately, feeling happy. Feeling a lot of things actually.

532. Giving up hope

533. Plate spinning

534. Speaking in fake accents

535. Measuring before cutting

536. Loitering

537. Only crossing the street at designated crosswalks. On the flip side, I'm a highly successful serial jay walker and my reign of mild inconvenience for drivers has only just begun! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

538. Bowling right handed

539. Throwing left handed (I know. Figure that one out.)

540. Trusting any news source

541. Holding my liquor

542. Accepting that I've reached an age where trimming ear hair is something I have to do.

543. Understanding why some people put all their emphasis on the next life and the next world when they have this world and this life right in front of them and they don't even understand that fully.

544. Spelunking

545. Using jumper cables

546. Lighting a fire under somebody's ass

547. Laughing through the pain (but I always try anyway)

548. Spontaneously combusting (I hope! So far, so good)

549. Paying attention to professional league sports/players

550. Knowing what noises foxes make. Also, knowing why there's a song about it.

551. Curling my tongue as well as some people.

552. Threading a needle

553. Whack-a-mole

554. From what I recall as a child, ring around the Rosie

555. Urinating in public

556. Hyping a crowd

557. Reading minds

558. Enjoying the taste of anything sour

559. Determining the ideal setting on my humidifier

560. Decorating

561. Pontificating

562. Understanding why bathrooms are so popular for selfies.

563. Being attractive

564. Karaoke

565. Lecturing

566. Figuring out what's wrong with a computer. I can run spell check. That's it. For some reason a lot of people think I'm more handy than this.

567. Consistently hitting the nail with the hammer

568. Twister. I am too short. And too fat. But I think it would be cool and kind of arousing to watch a bunch of yoga instructors play. In fact, I think everybody would agree that they could turn the summer Olympics into two weeks of that and we'd all happily watch.

569. Unionizing

570. Embalming. I wouldn't even know the first step. Although my assumption is that it involves the butt and a tube. Somehow.

571. Lactating. Thank god.

572. Stopping myself from automatically speaking louder when addressing a senior citizen, regardless of their hearing

573. antidisestablishmentarianism

574. Eating spicy foods

575. Eating bad food

576. Misanthropy

577. Sailing

578. Snorkeling (Unless you're supposed to drink and/or choke on the water)

579. Buying new clothes

580. Clipping my nails

581. Reading on a regular basis

582. Having sass

583. Paying attention

584. Knowing what evil lurks in the hearts of men

585. Teleportation

586. Performing miracles (Unless you count that time I put an ice cube in with some wine, melting it, and effectively turning water into wine)

587. Street performances

589. Understanding all the functions on a graphing calculator

590. Also, plotting functions on a graphing calculator

591. Organizing field trips

592. Forming committees

593. Photosynthesizing

594. Photography

595. Squashing my problems with other people before they fester and eat away at me.

596. Properly wearing a gi

597. Katas

598. Licking some envelopes (and I honestly don't know if it's me or the adhesive)

599. Giving massages. Also receiving them if that counts. I know it just involves lying there and letting it happen but I'm really uncomfortable with physical contact so the process of a massage in of itself has the opposite of its intended effect on me.

600. Looming

601. Using a loom

602. Air brushing

603. Scrap booking

604. Scrounging

605. Scavenger hunts ("Eh. It's out there, man.")

606. Opening beer bottles with surfaces/gadgets other than bottle openers

607. Feng shui

608. Keeping a robe tied

609. Moisturizing

610. Forming complex knots (which explains 74 and 608)

611. Winning. (Meaning I very seldom do. As a kid I was a 'participant trophy' kinda person)

612. Weeding

613. Five Finger Fillet

614. Counting down without wanting to speed up and then slow down a bunch for the final "3... 2... 1..."

615. Looking slender while wearing stripes

616. Knowing if I'm highlighting too little. Or too much.

617. DJ'ing

618. Tug of War (The temptation to let go is always too strong)

619. Finishing meals that have been super-sized

620. Peeling out

621. Replacing wiper blades

622. Changing oil

623. Eating celery without feeling mortified

624. Clearly distinguishing hyperbole

625. Malapropisms

626. Ignoring cravings

626. Moving people to tears

627. Trusting online translation software to put my fiction in other languages

628. Controlling heartburn

629. Naming all fifty states in one sitting

630. Naming all the other countries in any amount of sittings (or pointing to them on a map)

631. Drawing pentagrams

632. Volunteering in my free time

633. Being a louse (either meaning)

634. Lighting a gas grill/oven/stove without assuming I'm about to killed in an explosion

635. Effectively swinging a sword

636. Determining if a sword is decorative or functional

637. Distinguishing between modernist and post-modernist

638. Shanghaiing others

639. Using lacrosse equipment for actual play or even a casual game of catch

640. Ice skating and using hockey equipment at the same time (Although I'm so-so at either separately)

641. Baseball

642. Reffing/Umping. Also knowing the difference between the two. (padding?)

643. Using commas for only their intended purpose

644. Platter arrangements

645. Brewing beer (tea, I do just fine)

646. Parallel parking

647. Parking in garages

648. Walking in ski boots

649. Guitar Hero and other similar games

650. Blogging on a regular basis

651. Accepting shaky-cam close ups as immersive (They're just annoying)

652. Being cold hearted

653. Avoiding run on sentences while writing rough drafts

654. Leavings scabs alone

655. Understanding most poetry

656. Baiting hooks

657. Awaiting medical test results without assuming the worst

658. Grappling

659. Kicking at things above waist level (shin level is preferred)

660. Applying decals (Why the fuck can't you just be stickers?!)

661. Remembering all the lyrics to theme songs of favorite childhood TV shows

662. Not finding Fraggle Rock creepy.

663. Standing up for myself

664. Feeling okay with selecting matte when I've used glossy my whole life

665. Feather bowling

666. Taking the concept of Hell and The Devil as anything but metaphors. Heaven as well.

667. Devoting myself to a single cause or purpose

668. Opening crates

669. Tolerating burlap

670. Enjoying sweet potatoes

671. Eating an entire baked potato without getting sick of it.

672. Slandering

673. Getting out of tickets

674. Using parking meters (I pretty much always gamble that I'll be gone before anybody can show up to give me a ticket. At this point I assume the money I've saved is well beyond the cost of a parking violation ticket)

675. Causing mass hysteria

676. Feeling comfortable with customers at any of my retail jobs having access with my first name when I don't know/care to learn theirs. (In other words, I hate wearing name tags)

677. Taking the time to find the perfect dozen

678. Cheer leading

679. Raking ALL the leaves

680. Formal debates

681. Drinking games

682. Boasting

683. Liking any of the nicknames I've acquired over the years

684. Being a man of action

685. Writing plausible sci-fi

686. Using camouflage

687. Properly citing sources

688. Knowing whether or not I'm sticking to an MLA format or deviating somehow

689. Looking at complications as opportunities

690. Maintaining childlike exuberance throughout my life

691. Convincing my cats that they in fact do not want to go outside in bad weather or late at night

692. Wiggling my ears


  1. 693. Knowing insects and arachnids.
    694. Not repeating the same things on this list - some in the same wording and some worded slightly differently but mean the same thing.

  2. I thought I had something about bugs or knowing animals in general in there. So 695 could be "remembering what I wrote in the list."